#96, "GrowaFrogs are guaranteed negative for fungus" 🐸

Part I of an investigation into the grow-an-animal industry

I’m pretty sure newsletters are supposed to be a “reporter’s notebook” type place where you can talk about the challenging stories that you want to write but that have not yet found a home.

My white whale is an investigation into grow-an-animal companies. In a moment of maximum unhinge during the pandemic, I pitched this to a national publication and was rejected. Nearly three years later, I thought of it again and realized I had an outlet that would happily publish this AS A MULTI-PART SERIES and wouldn’t even hassle me with edits!

So. When I was four-ish maybe?, I got a frog in the mail. I have a semi-clear memory of one transparent (as in see-through) tadpole arriving dead in a bag of water — like, the bag was just plopped in our hot mailbox? My mom called the company (no internet complaints back in 1988) and the next tadpole we got was alive. I named it “Alviney” because I believed it was an albino (“alvino”) frog. The truth, as you’ll see, was more complicated.

GrowaFrog is not a fever dream. It is a 44-year-old company based in Brooksville, Florida. One of its many selling points is that its tadpoles are see-through. On its anti-dissection page, GrowaFrog asks, “WHY… and we do mean WHY ??? Dissect a frog when see thru organisms offer a far better lesson in Biology.”

The whole point is that the frogs are alive; still, “in the unlikely event that your frog experiences an unfortunate mishap we would understand your disappointment. To ensure your total satisfaction we offer a free frog at ANY point in time. There is no charge for a frog and shipping is just 8.95.”

If you want to see what a GrowaFrog looks like, don’t go to the website — it includes zero actual photos. Instead, it just shows crime-scene-like silhouettes of the tadpoles and frogs in the various habitats that are for sale.

Instead, check out this Facebook page, which is a celebration of GrowaFrogs that have lived for decades. They’re hardy enough that they qualify as an invasive species and are illegal in some states. (Tampa Bay Times headline, 2008: “Mail order tadpole swims into trouble.”)

¹

The Facebook page is also a good source of information if you have an elderly GrowaFrog in need of squeezin’:

[QUESTION] Good Morning, I am not sure that anyone still reads these posts. I had to contact Grow a Frog because one of our frogs, Gilly, seen below is having an issue with Frog Bloating. They told us what to do to help Gilly. They also suggested for us to check out this page for those with older frogs. We have two frogs, Gilly as seen above and Lilly, I will post her picture as well. My thirty-three year old son received as froglets twenty-six years ago. They have truly been such a join and a wonderful addition to our family. Has anyone of you had any issues with your frogs? This is the first for us. Please let us know. Thank you. I love all the pictures of your frogs.

“Honey does Gilly look puffier to you”

OP also shared the response she got from the company.

Dear Growafrog Enthusiast,

Your husband is correct.

²

It’s difficult to tell from the picture but if your frog is blowing up like a water balloon and I highly suspect it is you’re going to need to poke your frog to relieve swollen.

If you have access to a hypodermic needle or short needle

Gather your frog as best you can after lowering the water level ( if necessary ) and wrap your frog in ( lots ) of paper towels ‘like a burrito.’. Tear away a small ‘window’ in the paper towels so you can see your frog’s skin and ‘poke.’. Give your frog a firm yet gentle squeeze until the fluid ‘oozes’ out.

Repeat if needed

Let us know, please.

Best regards,

Gilly

Imagine if you could say “I’m feeling bloated” to your partner and they could just like — wrap you in a towel and ‘poke’ you firmly yet gently with a short needle until the fluid ‘oozed’ out, and then you went on to live for decades longer! Heyyyyy VCs, I have an idea for a perimenopause startup.

Coming soon

• Part II: “Ants didn’t work out and customer service was very helpful *****”

• Part III: “You grow them from a powder?”

and more

From the archives

• “Who would LOVE to have a crayfish as a pet?”

• “So I feel as if Caitlin told me awhile back that the crayfish were spontaneously reproducing?”

• “MOM, THE GRAYFISH DIED!”

1. Alviney didn’t live very long, as far as I know. But maybe he/she did? I’m actually not sure where he/she is now, I’m gonna check with my parents bc they must still have him/her?

2. I guess her husband was like, “The frog looks bloated”?