We didn’t do Elf on the Shelf because anti-surveillance state, etc. (I realize this is a little rich coming from someone who handed their DNA over to 23 and Me in exchange for the knowledge that “you are unlikely to flush after drinking alcohol.”)
And you know, it was convenient to be anti–Elf on the Shelf when my kids were still too young to respond to threats. As usual in all of raising kids, it’s really easy to be fervently anti-something that’s of no use or value to you or your family at that specific moment in time. (Never needed formula? Breast is best!) But this year has had a way of wearing childrearing opinions down, dulling them into vaguely held sentiments at best (unless it is your opinion about whether schools should be open in which case you are hyperaware, punchy, and vigilant, but also to tired to yell about it anymore).
Is it good for kids to be outside? Probably, but don’t kill yourself. Screentime?!?!?!?!? Fine as it turns out, bummer we wasted all that time reading articles about it. Should you give babies pouches? God, why not? Is the baby eating a bead? Well, as long as it’s a Perler bead.* (“Mom, is it okay for Eileen to eat a bead? Because she did.”) How does anyone even have the energy to have a strong opinion about any little thing at this point? (Seriously, has 2020 finally put an end to the breastfeeding guilt people? Or maybe they’re just too busy talking about how they won’t get the vaccine to care about formula shaming anymore?)
This is to say, we’re not getting Elf on the Shelf but it turned out that I had no problem introducing the notion of an all-seeing figure into my children’s lives when it became useful to me. For maybe the first few days of December it was “We need to be kind and caring to each other because that’s the spirit of Christmas and kindness helps make Santa’s magic work,” now it’s “HEY! SANTA IS WATCHING!” or, recently, “I swear to God I’m gonna throw one present away every time you whine.” These threats are entirely empty and Alice and Hugh 99% know this but that remaining 1% is just enough for them to begrudgingly stop doing the thing they were doing for a moment or two. The yelling also feels good on the parental level, “almost erotic how good” is right.
However, the yelling is coinciding with — please let’s not say causing — an uptick in violent statements from Hugh, who is four and I know it’s the age (“What’s your favorite animal?” “All predators”) but it is noteworthy. I recently overheard him and Alice recreating a scene in which Kevin had made them clean up their rooms; one of Hugh’s contributions was “Clean up your room or I’ll kill you.” We were listening to a story about Santa where someone threatens to ruin Christmas; Hugh: “If you’re bad Santa will punch you in the face.”
Alice: “Mom, can Santa read your mind?”
Me: “NO NO Santa can’t read your mind. The only person who knows what you are thinking is you and thoughts don’t really count. I mean, they are important but you can think whatever you want as long as you…” [trails off] “Nobody can read minds.”
Happy holidays everyone, I hope you find occasional joy and peace over the next couple weeks. I’m grateful to you for subscribing, reading, and writing back to me, and the next time some asshole starts a Substack, just remember we were here first. Here’s to 2021.
*Maybe you aren’t familiar with Perler beads because you didn’t buy 5 pounds of them from Goodwill so that your seven-year-old would have something to do with her hands during remote school other than tying tiny strands of fake cobwebs tightly around every pole-like surface in the room. It’s okay, all you really need to know is that they’re so tiny they pass right through a baby.
Happy holidays to you and your lovely family!! My 4.5 year old (I think about same age as Hugh as I emailed to commiserate about feeding after one of your posts, when you were pregnant 😭) likes to say “my friends will trap you!!” or my favourite, “my friends will knifes you!” when he doesn’t get his way.
I wish we could be friends IRL but then I'd be jealous of your writing. Merry, merry Christmas to you!